“Your heart bleeds only a vagina should”

TV Show: Orange Is The New Black
Episode Title: Storm-y Weather
Original Air Date: June 9, 2017
Episode Number: 5×13

Episode Description

As chaos descends on Litchfield three days into the riot, the inmates wonder what the future holds and seek solace in loved ones.

My Review

If I had to give this season a grade, it would be a B. I know the majority of fans are not too happy with how this entire season was structured and how there didn’t seem to be proper story arcs for the characters like in previous seasons, but I didn’t totally hate this season. There were definitely a lot of unnecessary storylines that were complete wastes of time (mainly the Doggett and Coates nonsense), but there were also some great moments that made it worth watching this season (Vauseman getting engaged even though I’m not a huge shipper, Frieda’s bunker, to name a few).

I wonder how the writers are going to approach next season. I don’t want to see a time jump because the ramifications of what happened during these three/four days need to be addressed and the viewers need to see the full effects and what’s going to happen to the inmates. It will be a cop out if they do a time jump to a few months after.

Anyway, regarding this episode, it wasn’t the best, but they had to show how the inmates were going to be rounded up so we got this. Even though I hate the white supremacists, I admired their last stand (together with the Latinas) against the CERT team. I liked Soso’s passive resistance, it was heartbreaking to see. I also liked Frieda’s team in the pool standing united to face the CERT men with dignity.

Even though Leanne and Angie are idiots, I thought it was great that they burned all of the inmates’ files. However, I have a feeling that most of it are probably backed up electronically somewhere. I’m glad Gloria’s son made it out of the operation okay. I’m glad Ruiz got to see her daughter and that Nita followed up her promise to “see what she can do” in regards to Ruiz. I kinda feel bad for Linda now getting rounded up together with the inmates. I’m surprised Joe hasn’t said anything yet, but he probably forgot about her or this is the furthest thing from his mind.

I think my favorite part about this episode was Flaritza and seeing their friendship and how pure and genuine it is. It broke my heart that they’re getting separated and put on different buses and I just hope this doesn’t mean those buses will be going to different prisons. Maritza yelling out “I love you” to Flaca got me all choked up. I thought their fans cheering for them when they came out was very funny. They’re YouTube-famous now.

Well, here’s to another successful season. Kudos to the cast and crew for a job well done.

“She sniffs out secrets like a truffle pig”

TV Show: Orange Is The New Black
Episode Title: Tattoo You
Original Air Date: June 9, 2017
Episode Number: 5×12

Episode Description

Boo dabbles in blackmail, Nicky promises to help Lorna, Doggett makes a discovery, and Piper comes to a realization about Alex.

My Review

Oh man, these inmates are in for a world of pain in the next episode after everything that happened in this episode. But before talking about that, let’s talk about that Alex/Piper scene. I’m not a big Vauseman shipper and don’t really mind them and I find them cute on occasion, but that proposal got me all teary-eyed which surprised me. I thought Piper’s speech was really moving and for her to come to the realization that she wants to spend her life with Alex at this time was such a Piper thing to do. Of course she would realize this at the height of the riot. Being in love and almost dying really does make people do crazy things (not that this is crazy). Sometimes it takes a life or death situation to make one realize what’s missing in their life or to have them make that decision they have tried to avoid making.

I just want to write down this part of Piper’s speech because it was a great pre-proposal speech: “You have taught me that love hurts. You’ve taught me that life…it hurts. And I want to be there for you. I want us to be there for each other so that maybe it hurts a little less.”

I loved Piper’s conversation with her mother and her mother’s story about how she fell in love with Piper’s dad – the rowboat and the can of corn – and how Piper incorporate this anecdote into her marriage proposal to Alex. It was very sweet. Her mom saying “My child is trapped in a prison riot. One shows up for those types of things. Please tell me you’re not leading it.” was very funny!

Taystee and Ruiz just fucked up everything and now no one is getting anything. Oh, Taystee. I wanted to shake some sense into her when she still didn’t agree to the demands after Caputo spoke to her. The whole Bayley thing could have been taken care of after the fact. Then again, if she did agree and it was found out that Humps is dead, the demands would have been taken off the table anyway. I just feel sorry for Taystee for being noble and believing that she’s doing the right thing, but now the majority of the inmates will be gunning for her.

As for Ruiz, serves her right for screwing over Gloria. Is she that delusional to think that just because the hostages are released that the head of MCC will set her free? She didn’t realize that MCC is no longer in charge of the negotiations and that the governor is now involved. Let’s see what Nita and company can do for her. Probably just throw her ass back in jail where Gloria can get to her.

Bayley going to see Poussey’s father to apologize and probably to atone for what he did was a bad idea. I thought his parents were going to send him to a facility to have him get help? What happened to that? They can’t see just how fucked up this kid is and they’re still not doing anything to help their own son? What kind of parents are they? On a shallow note, how hot was that bartender at the bus terminal? I mean, I’m gay, but I’m not blind, lol. He was hot.

Nicky calling Vinny and telling him that Lorna really is pregnant and that he should consider himself lucky to have someone like Lorna loving him was very sweet (although I didn’t agree with her assessment of how Lorna shows her love by stalking and by being paranoid). Here’s hoping that she helps Lorna with the pregnancy and that this experience will have Nicky finally move on and get over Lorna. It was very sweet when Nicky was trying to console Lorna and said this gem: “Babies don’t know shit. They’re babies.” So true!

Doggett going to the guards’ house and raiding their food and supplies and wearing Coates’ uniform and lying in his bed is all kinds of fucked up. If Coates shows up there in the next episode, I’m going to riot. Fuck this storyline and I hope that Coates never comes back. Boo needs to open her mouth and accuse him of raping Doggett because I don’t want to see this storyline continue on in the next season.

Piscatella is still posturing even after being held hostage. This guy just doesn’t know when to stop and he is made up of nothing but anger and rage and hate. He deserves everything that will be coming for him. No way he ends up going scot-free after this.

I kinda felt sorry for Linda getting lynched like that, but I hope she uses this experience to make the inmates’ lives a bit better. Then again, it might not matter since MCC won’t be in charge of Litchfield anymore after this. Maybe she’ll have an epiphany and be an advocate. We’ll see. I laughed at Flaritza’s commentary about lynching in their respective countries and how a cute girl would get away with committing a crime as long as they’re married to a drug lord. “We grew up on the wrong side of the border, I swear” got me cracking me up.

Also very funny was Frieda doing inventory on her stash with the help of Norma and when Piper grabbed the can of beans to give to Alex, she tells Norma to write it down, lol.

One more episode and I can’t wait to see how this season is wrapped up.

“Sisterhood is powerful”

TV Show: Orange Is The New Black
Episode Title: Breaking the Fiberboard Ceiling
Original Air Date: June 9, 2017
Episode Number: 5×11

Episode Description

Red and the others weigh their options. Gloria wrestles with her conscience as she moves forward with a plan. Lorna takes over the pharmacy.

My Review

Lauren Morelli needs to write more episodes because I really liked this episode and the other one that I liked from this season (the one where we had Poussey and Taystee’s first meeting) was also written by her.

Damn Ruiz for stealing Gloria’s plan and using it to get herself out of prison. I’m still confused as to how Ruiz plans on not getting hauled back into prison once she’s found? Or has she already made the deal with the head of MCC? Guess we’ll find out what happened in the next episode. I felt Gloria’s pain while she was being held against her will on the ground by one of the inmates. If her son dies, she will kill Ruiz if she ever sees her again.

What kind of side effects will Suzanne suffer after taking those lithium pills? Cindy couldn’t take a minute or two to look through the records and look for the pills that Suzanne is supposed to take? This is not good. This might calm Suzanne down for now, but what happens when she wakes up? I have said before that the less we see of Suzanne, the better, but I didn’t mind too much her breakdown here especially the part where she’s sitting on the bed before she takes the pills. I couldn’t care less about her tearing the ceiling tiles so she can get to heaven. It was sweet that Cindy sang and tucked Suzanne in, but this is just the calm before the storm.

Boo finding out about Linda was inevitable. Let’s see what Boo does with this information. I fear for Linda now. Boo just might offer her to the meth heads and the Nazis.

The gang overruling Red in torturing Piscatella to admit that he killed an inmate was a surprise. I really thought they would be all in with her plan, but I’m glad that they realized that that plan is all kinds of fucked up and they didn’t want to partake in any of it. I laughed so hard when all of them lost their shit in Frieda’s bunker and they all started screaming at each other.

Gina continues to be my MVP of this season (along with Gloria). She freaking recorded Piscatella abusing Red and the other inmates and that is the smartest thing anyone could have done. Now they have leverage to throw Piscatella into prison and for him never to do anything like that to anyone else again. Red calling Gina “You magical nymph” made me smile and Nicky promptly apologizing to Gina after she showed them the video was also a great moment.

Seeing Taystee chugging along and making progress in the negotiations is a cause for celebration. It just sucks that Humps is now dead (no thanks to Maureen) because all this negotiating will probably end up for naught and it makes me so sad. Nothing will have changed and the inmates’ situations will probably even worse than before.

Lorna refusing medication to the ones who really need them was wrong. I don’t buy the notion that normal people are uncomfortable dealing with those mentally unstable and that’s why they give them pills to keep them down. No, they are given medication because otherwise they would harm themselves and sometimes to those around them. I did crack up at her little speech: “As a pretend licensed medical professional, I made an uneducated but very thoughtful decision, and I took her off those.”

So what did that pregnancy test mean? What does two lines mean? Is Lorna pregnant or not?

“I am England. And I need no one to save me.”

TV Show: Reign
Episode Title: All It Cost Her
Original Air Date: June 16, 2017
Episode Number: 4×16

Episode Description

In the series finale, Mary changes the course of history with a decision she makes, and her perilous move for survival causes her to have a stunning realization. Meanwhile, Elizabeth steadies herself for war and becomes the instigator in Mary’s demise.

My Review

Umm, that was it? I can’t believe that was the series finale. What a complete and utter mess. These writers knew this was going to be their last season and yet they wasted so much time Darnley and Bothwell and before they realized it, there was only one episode left to wrap things up. The pacing of the storyline should have been amped up after episode 10 and if they had to fast forward a few years, so be it.

I laughed when I saw the “21 Years Later” caption onscreen because it’s such a fucking cop-out. The previous episodes should have led up to this momentous occasion, but instead of doing that, they went the lazy route and fast-tracked the plot in a matter of seconds. Such a shame because this season has been mostly pretty damn awesome and I can’t believe that it was tainted by this last episode.

So lame too that they didn’t have Elizabeth fully culpable in Mary’s execution, but left it to Mary’s son James to essentially have her mother killed. I know this show never followed history to a tee, but this one irked me because why bother rewrite this? Unless I’m misunderstood that scene between James and Elizabeth, she tells him that with Mary out of the way, he will be Elizabeth’s heir and will be the one to unite Scotland and England. Right?

It was nice to see James (the brother), but I would have liked for the show to have him share a brief scene with Greer. I know they completely rewrote his story on the show, too, but this is one story that I didn’t mind being changed. In my head, he and Greer got married and lived happily ever after with baby Rose.

I think my favorite part of the episode was Elizabeth donning battle armor and joining her men in battle against Spain, but even this lacked urgency because this threat was only introduced in the last episode. I loved Elizabeth’s speech to the Austrian Archduke when she rejected his marriage contract:

“I am England. And I need no one to save me. Not from Spain, not from the Catholic Church, not from anyone. I am Elizabeth Tudor and I will bow to no man. I will face every threat to my reign with sword in hand and any who stand in my way shall fall.”

FUCK. YEAH.

My second favorite part of the episode was Mary naming baby James after her brother James. James’ reaction was so great, the endearing little smile as if he couldn’t believe it.

The whole French fiasco really had no place in this episode and I kind of wish that this part of the story was wrapped a couple of episodes prior. I absolutely hated the time wasted on the Narcisse/Margaret/witch threesome. What in the actual fuck was that? This show just can’t contain itself when it comes to the supernatural, can it? Seriously, wtf was this shit?!

It was a terrible ending for Catherine who was undoubtedly the MVP of this show. They reduced her to being stupid enough to being tricked into that mess. I feel sorry for Megan Follows to have to have this as the capper to a great character.

And what exactly was the witch blabbering on about? I tuned out for most of the French scenes so I didn’t really understood why Catherine went to get her other daughter Margo to bring her home to be by her side. I’ll just wait until the recaps are available because this part confused me.

I almost forgot about the reunion between Francis and Mary. I’m sure this was included to satisfy the Frary shippers and since I wasn’t really that into them, this was just okay. Cheesy as hell, but whatever. I did like the scenes that were replayed from previous seasons and got a kick out of seeing Kenna, Bash, and Lola.

Anyway, despite this awful series finale, this was a show that I truly enjoyed from beginning to end. Sure, it had a lot of faults, but that’s standard with all shows. Nothing will beat the awesomeness of the first season, though. Now those storylines were hilarious and ridiculous and so much fun.